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Consultation Rates

Special Introductory Offer on our Consultancy Rates

But first of all, if you are an existing or potential Cairn customer, there is no need to worry.  We’ve always been happy to give free and no-obligation advice on any of our products or services, and we have absolutely no intention of changing this policy in any way.

 

However, we are increasingly being contacted by people who tell us how much better than we are at running some aspect or other of our nice little business, and who try to impress us with their generosity in offering us a free initial phone call or similar.  The trouble is, we’ve never heard of any of these outfits, so we have no idea if they are any good or not, although we do generally suspect the latter.  This can all get rather annoying, so our new policy is directed towards them, but on the other hand, there is also some entertainment to be had here!

 

Take the example of the people who emphasised the importance of using their translation services, as “one translation error could cost a life!”  As usual for such cold emails, we were offered a free consultation phone call, so we emailed back to say “Please phone us as soon as possible on +32 78 05 12 00”.  However, they replied that it just seemed to be a mailbox number.  Er no, it’s actually the Dutch language version of the Belgian speaking clock.  So much for THEIR linguistic skills!

 

And only yesterday we got yet another offer, this time of a “five minute phone call tomorrow”, to explain how, amongst other things, their access to “global pipeline databases checked by 55 PhD analysts”, could help us achieve “new and unexpected bottom line revenue”.  Wow!  They would like to show us “some recent requests we’ve generated for our clients who are looking for services in your exact space”.  We replied to explain, amongst other things, that Cairn operates mainly in Hilbert space, and that our own highly effective business strategy is that nothing succeeeds like a parrot with no beak, but if they would nevertheless still like to talk to us, then our charge for this service is £1,500 per hour or part thereof.

 

So, we then thought, why not make this official Cairn policy?  And to encourage an early takeup, we’ve decided to make this rate just an introductory one.  As from May 1, it will increase to £2,500 per hour or part thereof, with payment in advance in cleared funds of course!  We are therefore putting up this particular post for two reasons.  First, we can just reply to future emails of this type with a link to here.  And second, perhaps it will help brighten your day in the same way as these bits of fun have helped brighten ours!